My 22 week belly

confessions

I swore I wouldn't complain about being pregnant. After almost 4 years of trying and our 'last resort' of IVF, I just so desperately wanted to carry my child that I swore I wouldn't complain about the discomfort.

But then it was twins. (And I hope it goes without saying that I'm THRILLED that it is). And the whole being-pregnant-with-twins sure does change the pregnancy game.

I never complained about morning sickness. I was still so afraid that something would happen to my little guys that I was just happy to have a symptom, even a bad case of never-ending morning sickness.

Then the back pain hit. And I mean tear-enducing upper back pain like I've never experienced before. And we're nearing week 8 of the pain, with no end in sight. I'm trying to have a good attitude about it, I know it's all worth it in the end. But oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to take some ibuprofen!

But actually the thing that really surprises me about this pregnancy is how incredibly concerned I am about my weight. I didn't exercise much in the months before we got pregnant, mostly because I was so depressed. And so then my dr advise me not to do too much since my body wasn't used to it.

And honestly, I was pretty thin before. I never had to watch what I ate to keep my figure. And I guess I realize now that I was pretty vain about it. I don't mind the belly bulge. But for whatever reason, my body has decided to pack the pounds on in my thighs and butt and love handles too.

I HATE it. And I worry about it constantly. And I feel like such a hypocrite being concerned about my body changing when I invested so much to get here!

I know lots of women gain weight in areas other than their stomachs, but I really thought I'd be one of the lucky ones who still looked thin except for the belly. It has been quite a strange dose of reality for me.

All I can do is continue to do my yoga and eat healthy things. And I guess if I need the weight in my hips, then I guess that's where it'll go. It's just so hard not to compare myself to my other pregnant friends.

I will say this, though. I will NEVER complain about my babies kicking me. They are very active little boys and remind me of their presence all day long. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

halfway there!

I can't believe I get to say that.

I can't believe that I had my 19 week ultrasound on Wed.

I can't believe that we're having 2 boys! (testosterone, here I come...)

I can't believe how big my belly already is.

I can't believe that strangers are already telling me that I must be close to my due date.

I can't believe we're shopping for cribs this weekend.

I can't believe that I'm finally accepting the idea that I'm going to be a mama.

I can't believe how unbelievably blessed I am to be able to be pregnant.

I can't believe this is my life right now.

But oh, I'm glad it is!

time marches on

16 weeks and counting now.

I had an ultrasound at 15 weeks, and all looks good. The Dr. couldn't tell yet what we were having, so we have to wait until the next appointment, in FOUR WEEKS. Oh, how will I ever last that long until I can lay my eyes on my little ones again??

My belly has really popped in the last week. No more hiding it these days. Which is actually kinda tricky since we haven't told anyone at church yet. I don't know why we keep putting it off. I'm still afraid to have to follow it up with bad news, I guess.

I thought my co-workers didn't know (only my fabulous boss) but I'm pretty sure that word has gotten around about my ever expanding belly. At least, I hope they don't all just think I just got fat. Hah.

Okay, so here's what I want to know: As an Infertile, when will the fun part of pregnancy ever kick in? I mean, I'm as excited as I can be at this point. I know that my wide midsection is a sign that these babies are truly in there, but the nervousness is still there.

And you know what else? Guilt.

I never expected this emotion. But I have it. I feel guilty that some people still aren't pregnant. And I feel guilty because maybe I'm not supposed to be either.

Silly, I know. God created these babies, no matter how they were conceived. He had His hand on them from the moment of conception and I am meant to be their mother.

But still...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks.

I wonder if it's normal that I still feel infertile? I mean, I'm pregnant. I'm finally (hopefully) going to have 2 sweet babies to hold in a few months.

And yet, I still feel infertile. I don't feel like I think my friends felt when they were pregnant- full of hope and excitement. I still feel broken, like there's something wrong with me.

I wonder if I'll always feel that way?

I guess maybe I'm glad that I do. This infertility is a big part of my story now. I've grown and changed so much because of it, that forgetting it would be impossible.

And I never want to forget how grateful I am for the miracle of life. Because for me, it truly is a miracle.

Graduation

Last week at our 7 week appointment with the RE, she gave me a hug and handed me a package that read, 'Graduate' on it.

So strange. I never dreamed we'd be successful with IVF the first time around, and that things would go so (mostly) smoothly that they would release me at 7 weeks!

The best part of the day (of course) was getting to hear my babies' heartbeats again, this time with my husband holding my hand. Baby A at 144 bpm, Baby B at 150 bpm.

One of the hardest things about leaving the RE is that I have come to know them all so well, and also I love the comfort of knowing I can pick up the phone and immediately talk to my nurse about any concerns. So I've been afraid of heading back to the BIG OB practice.

But an amazing thing happened- the day my doctor got my file back from the RE, she picked up the phone and personally called me to congratulate me, and to say she is looking forward to seeing me again. Well, all I have to say is that had to have been God, easing my fears, giving me peace about this next step.

Last night was my last PIO shot. My rear is THRILLED at the prospect, because Holy Cow, I have no more real estate left without bruises or knots.

So now I'm on Crinone gel. Which I gotta say, is more expensive, rather gross, but a whole lot less painful!

double trouble

Well, not trouble, exactly...

Twins!

2 beautiful heartbeats, 123 bpm and 114 bpm. They sounded awfully sweet. Thump, thump, thump, thump.

I spent the first few hours after my appointment thrilled at the prospect. My husband is over the moon, telling complete strangers that he's got 2 babies on the way.

But you know what's creeping in again? FEAR.

Now that I know I have 2 little ones growing within me, I am so anxious about losing one or both. After all, I'm only 6 1/2 weeks. That's a long way from the more hopeful 12 weeks.

Not that I have any reason to think I might miscarry. My doctor even wants to send me back to my regular OB in a couple weeks. But I have more friends that have experienced miscarriage than those who haven't.

Next ultrasound next week, right at 7 weeks. Hubby will be in town for this one, and he's very excited.

I just pray every day (minute) that I can keep these little ones growing!