I'm an estrogen producing machine

After my blood draw yesterday, the nurse called to tell me that I was 3 times normal for my E2.

Well, of course I was. Seems to be my style.

Google scared me with all the information about bad complications and cancelled cycles because of high E2 levels.

Thankfully my fabulous doctor did an ultrasound this morning and said that all was well. Lots of follicles, all similar size, right where they needed to be. I just make a LOT of estrogen.

I hope that they'll keep my Follistem dose lower. I sure do love injecting less drugs. Especially expensive ones.

finally

They wanted me below 50. It went from 88 on my originally planned start date, to 106, to 107, to 83, then finally to 66. The doctors consulted and I was cleared. A miracle.

I have to say, when the nurse called, I thought for SURE that she was going to tell me to stay on the Lupron for a few more weeks and we would start the Stim in April. I was stunned when she said we could go ahead and start.

I know a few weeks doesn't matter much, but since my husband travels so much, he would have had to juggle more trips. And he had already cleared 2 weeks in March for all of this.

So here I am on Stim Day 4. I can already say that I hate Menopur. The bruises are wide and painful.

Here's hoping they're worth it.

the ups and downs

I am now 13 days in of shots. It hasn't been to bad so far, and I'm thankful.

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday, and my Dr. was very pleased with what she saw. She's always so encouraging that this will be successful for us. I was feeling really excited about it all last night.

But then the nurse called just now to let me know that my E2 level was high. You know, they want it below 50, and mine was at 88. Of course.

So more bloodwork on Friday morning.

Friday night I'm supposed to start my stimulation. I have a hunch that if my E2 level is still to high on Friday, then she'll cancel IVF for this month.

I wouldn't be surprised it if were, either. Because for whatever reason, my body seems to REALLY respond well to hormones.

I'm trying to be too discouraged until I know something on Friday. But the way things go for me, I'd be incredibly surprised if it were okay.

Maybe I can handle it this time?

ouch

Had the HSG today. No not the fallopian tube one. We did that one a year ago.

No, this was the uterus one, with the catheter and balloon and saline. Is it called the same thing? I don't really remember. It was another one of those 3-letter tests.

OH MY WORD it hurt so bad.

I was laying there sweating, shaking, tearing up at the pain. And all I could think was maybe we need to re-think this. Cause how will I ever handle childbirth if I can't handle this?

But then I remembered. You can get drugs for that.

The good news is that I'm all clear. No visible problems for implantation of a little embryo.

Onward and upward we go.

And tonight I inject myself for the first time. Ugh.

step 1

The drugs arrived today. When we had our training consultation last week, I found out just the fun that I was in for, with all the drugs and shots and hormones and things. It was kind of overwhelming. But sitting there, talking to the nurse about everything wasn't all that scary.

Then I opened up my package and saw all the needles that I'll be using and my heart skipped a beat.

I can't believe what I'm going to do to myself. Neither can my husband.

He gets off way too easy, if you ask me. One measly bottle of antibiotics. Sheesh.

IVF, here we come.

Infertility is a journey. And yet what I didn't realize is that it's a journey that has more than one starting point. We start over and over and over again. Maybe one day we'll get to the destination?


Beginning 1 -- 2006, off birth control, we try to start a family, albeit not very intentionally. pick out baby names, plan ways to tell the family.

Beginning 2 -- 2007, we try ovulation sticks, more intentional about it, but no worries, we're still young, we just need a little more precision.

Beginning 3 -- early 2008, talk to doctor, begin hormone treatments, nothing. the worrying begins. so do the 'what-ifs'.

Beginning 4 -- late 2008, semen analysis, antibiotics. hooray, fixed problem! except, not so much. the anger creeps in.

Beginning 5 -- early 2009, new fabulous doctor, HSG, more semen analysis, more hormone treatments, yeah- this'll work- she understands my urgency. the depression begins.

Beginning 6 -- mid 2009, new fabulous doctor refers us to fertility specialist, have hope of a plan, 3 cycles of IUI, and I love that this solution is relatively natural- but nothing takes. discouragement at an all-time high, coping mechanisms completely exhausted.

Beginning 7 -- now, 2010, IVF. we are great candidates, she says. she really thinks it'll work.

Am I a fool to believe it?

questioning

Here's what I want to know: Why does God answer every one else's prayers? Why does it feel like mine come back void?

I know we are told to approach the throne with confidence, and lately, I haven't been. Because you know what? He hasn't been answering my prayers before now, so why would He start now? I have almost resigned myself to the idea that there are no children in my future.

A friend in infertility wrote to me today. She said that she had been praying that she would be able to put a positive pregnancy test into her husband's stocking at Christmas. And guess what? She did.

Well I was praying that I would be pregnant by my 31st birthday. I've been praying that for YEARS. And of course. I wasn't.

Her prayers were heard and answered. Mine were not.

Today is a bad day. I feel abondoned, desperate, depressed.