a good read

Lately I've been feeling sentimental. Mostly because it's a new year and as I look forward I inevitably look back.

And what I've realized is that for a majority of this past year, I was rather depressed. Not depressed enough where I can't function or enjoy any part of life. But just depressed enough to push people away, to end up in a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. Most of this I hid pretty well.

Today I read a very convicting article about depression. I know that the source of my depression is that we haven't started our family yet and time keeps passing. But I also know that there are deeper issues too. Issues that keep me from coping with the grief and the disappointment. And I have a hunch that these feelings of inadequacy won't instantly go away when we do have a child.

So I'm going to post a link here, just to remind myself now and again that I do have hope.

http://ccef.org/hope-depressed

thinking

So, 3 IUI's down, the last one done with progesterone supplements, and still no baby. I'm not surprised. I knew that when husband and I didn't get pregnant almost 4 years ago when we started trying, that this road would be a long one.

Decision time. IVF? Adoption? Who has money for these things?

Today I was reading a blog, and the woman who writes it just found out she was pregnant with her 3rd. She was not expecting it at all. But she recognized that God was teaching her once again that His plan was better than hers.

One girl commented how thankful she was that God's plan was better that what she could have imagined. And I got to thinking how everyone says this when someone gets unexpectedly pregnant, but people rarely say this when you can't get pregnant.

I know it's true both ways. But you know what? At this moment in my life? I am NOT thankful for His plan for my life. It's wrong and sinful and short-sighted, I know. But that's what it is for me right now.

Yes, one day when we have kids, I'll look back and be grateful that I can appreciate them so much, that this journey made me more sensitive and compassionate.

But right now, at this moment, I feel like we'll never have children and it devastates me.

January 11: officially NOT a good day.

3 strikes

And we're out. One more cycle of IUI, and then we're outta there.

What to do next, I don't rightly know.

I'm already talking as though this third try won't work. I suppose it could, but why would it, when the other 2 times didn't?

So now the question is, IVF?

But can I handle it if it doesn't work? I've barely been able to handle it when the IUI's have been unsuccessful. And I know that after IVF, it'll be a hundred times harder. So much more invested, literally and figuratively.

Another friend is pregnant. Due in April. Wasn't planning it. I hate being blind-sided by these announcements. At dinner with some friends last week, the entire evening was spent talking about new baby.

I tried to act interested. But I wasn't. I was angry. And having a pity-party for myself.

When will it be MY turn?

dragging by

I hate the days between the IUI and my period.

I wish I could know immediately if I were pregnant.

Scratch that. I wish I were pregnant.

5 more long days to wait.

today

On the heels of another IUI, I am overcome with the urge to weep.

Not from sadness, not from frustration, not from loneliness.

Today I am holding back the tears from the overwhelming realization that I have no control. Today I understand the beauty in following Christ.

The glory of the cross is not that life is good or easy or what we want. The beauty of it is that this life is bad and hard and rarely how we want it.

We fall on our knees day after day after day, because we aren't who we want to be, we don't have what we want to have, and we can't see what we want to see.

Sin overwhelms us. Grace redeems us. He looks at me and says "Mine."

Today I have peace because of the One who was, and is, and will be.

reminder

Cynicism looks reality in the face, calls it phony, and prides itself on its insights as it pulls back. Thanksgiving looks reality in the face and rejoices at God's care. It replaces a bitter spirit with a generous one.
--Paul Miller

milestones

My birthday is coming up. Thanksgiving and Christmas are days and weeks away.

This used to be my favorite time of year. But the older I get, the more these times just remind me of what I don't have.

I'm turning 31. And I know there are those who are much older than I am that are still waiting to start their family.

But when I pictured myself at 31, I certainly wasn't still working at this job I hate. And I most definitely had children. In fact, through all these years of infertility, I always had in the back of my mind, that as long as I got pregnant while I was 30, then everything would be okay.

I guess that's just one more dream that I've got to give up.

In this season of thanksgiving, it's hard for me to remember the things I have, when all I can focus on is the things that I hoped I'd have.

One more birthday without being pregnant.

One more Christmas where we don't buy baby gifts.

One more family gathering where I don't get to tell them that we're expecting.

And although these thoughts weigh on me always, the pain is sharper this time of year.