ouch

Had the HSG today. No not the fallopian tube one. We did that one a year ago.

No, this was the uterus one, with the catheter and balloon and saline. Is it called the same thing? I don't really remember. It was another one of those 3-letter tests.

OH MY WORD it hurt so bad.

I was laying there sweating, shaking, tearing up at the pain. And all I could think was maybe we need to re-think this. Cause how will I ever handle childbirth if I can't handle this?

But then I remembered. You can get drugs for that.

The good news is that I'm all clear. No visible problems for implantation of a little embryo.

Onward and upward we go.

And tonight I inject myself for the first time. Ugh.

step 1

The drugs arrived today. When we had our training consultation last week, I found out just the fun that I was in for, with all the drugs and shots and hormones and things. It was kind of overwhelming. But sitting there, talking to the nurse about everything wasn't all that scary.

Then I opened up my package and saw all the needles that I'll be using and my heart skipped a beat.

I can't believe what I'm going to do to myself. Neither can my husband.

He gets off way too easy, if you ask me. One measly bottle of antibiotics. Sheesh.

IVF, here we come.

Infertility is a journey. And yet what I didn't realize is that it's a journey that has more than one starting point. We start over and over and over again. Maybe one day we'll get to the destination?


Beginning 1 -- 2006, off birth control, we try to start a family, albeit not very intentionally. pick out baby names, plan ways to tell the family.

Beginning 2 -- 2007, we try ovulation sticks, more intentional about it, but no worries, we're still young, we just need a little more precision.

Beginning 3 -- early 2008, talk to doctor, begin hormone treatments, nothing. the worrying begins. so do the 'what-ifs'.

Beginning 4 -- late 2008, semen analysis, antibiotics. hooray, fixed problem! except, not so much. the anger creeps in.

Beginning 5 -- early 2009, new fabulous doctor, HSG, more semen analysis, more hormone treatments, yeah- this'll work- she understands my urgency. the depression begins.

Beginning 6 -- mid 2009, new fabulous doctor refers us to fertility specialist, have hope of a plan, 3 cycles of IUI, and I love that this solution is relatively natural- but nothing takes. discouragement at an all-time high, coping mechanisms completely exhausted.

Beginning 7 -- now, 2010, IVF. we are great candidates, she says. she really thinks it'll work.

Am I a fool to believe it?

questioning

Here's what I want to know: Why does God answer every one else's prayers? Why does it feel like mine come back void?

I know we are told to approach the throne with confidence, and lately, I haven't been. Because you know what? He hasn't been answering my prayers before now, so why would He start now? I have almost resigned myself to the idea that there are no children in my future.

A friend in infertility wrote to me today. She said that she had been praying that she would be able to put a positive pregnancy test into her husband's stocking at Christmas. And guess what? She did.

Well I was praying that I would be pregnant by my 31st birthday. I've been praying that for YEARS. And of course. I wasn't.

Her prayers were heard and answered. Mine were not.

Today is a bad day. I feel abondoned, desperate, depressed.

a good read

Lately I've been feeling sentimental. Mostly because it's a new year and as I look forward I inevitably look back.

And what I've realized is that for a majority of this past year, I was rather depressed. Not depressed enough where I can't function or enjoy any part of life. But just depressed enough to push people away, to end up in a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. Most of this I hid pretty well.

Today I read a very convicting article about depression. I know that the source of my depression is that we haven't started our family yet and time keeps passing. But I also know that there are deeper issues too. Issues that keep me from coping with the grief and the disappointment. And I have a hunch that these feelings of inadequacy won't instantly go away when we do have a child.

So I'm going to post a link here, just to remind myself now and again that I do have hope.

http://ccef.org/hope-depressed

thinking

So, 3 IUI's down, the last one done with progesterone supplements, and still no baby. I'm not surprised. I knew that when husband and I didn't get pregnant almost 4 years ago when we started trying, that this road would be a long one.

Decision time. IVF? Adoption? Who has money for these things?

Today I was reading a blog, and the woman who writes it just found out she was pregnant with her 3rd. She was not expecting it at all. But she recognized that God was teaching her once again that His plan was better than hers.

One girl commented how thankful she was that God's plan was better that what she could have imagined. And I got to thinking how everyone says this when someone gets unexpectedly pregnant, but people rarely say this when you can't get pregnant.

I know it's true both ways. But you know what? At this moment in my life? I am NOT thankful for His plan for my life. It's wrong and sinful and short-sighted, I know. But that's what it is for me right now.

Yes, one day when we have kids, I'll look back and be grateful that I can appreciate them so much, that this journey made me more sensitive and compassionate.

But right now, at this moment, I feel like we'll never have children and it devastates me.

January 11: officially NOT a good day.

3 strikes

And we're out. One more cycle of IUI, and then we're outta there.

What to do next, I don't rightly know.

I'm already talking as though this third try won't work. I suppose it could, but why would it, when the other 2 times didn't?

So now the question is, IVF?

But can I handle it if it doesn't work? I've barely been able to handle it when the IUI's have been unsuccessful. And I know that after IVF, it'll be a hundred times harder. So much more invested, literally and figuratively.

Another friend is pregnant. Due in April. Wasn't planning it. I hate being blind-sided by these announcements. At dinner with some friends last week, the entire evening was spent talking about new baby.

I tried to act interested. But I wasn't. I was angry. And having a pity-party for myself.

When will it be MY turn?