now what?

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don't feel anything yet.

Well, maybe I have an aversion to some foods, but I'm not moody, I'm not peeing a lot, my breasts feel normal. I just don't feel pregnant.

Not that I would know what it feels like. But I didn't think it would feel like this.

We've told the inner circle that the pregnancy test came back positive. And I've found that some of the inner circle have told some of the outer circle, despite our attempts to keep it private for a little while.

So now I have 3 more days until US # 1. I'm terrified that something will be wrong since I don't feel anything.

I keep googling signs of miscarriages. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help myself. I'm still cramping, with the occasional pang in my lower abdomen. What does it mean??

I think the fact that I wasn't in town to do the normal 2nd blood test is freaking me out. Because they never did measure how much my hcg was going up. So I'm just trusting that I'm still pregnant.

I guess on Friday we'll know.

BFP

I am stunned. I knew, I just KNEW I wasn't pregnant.

And then I finally talked to the nurse at 4:15 (Hello, longest. day. ever.) she sounded really chipper.

And I thought, certainly she would be that cheerful and then give me bad news...

She says, I have been dying to talk to you all day! It's good news! Your beta is 84.7, so strong, you are definitely pregnant.

At that point the husband and I started crying. We both were prepared for bad news. Conditioned to getting it, I guess.

The nurse (my favorite one, by the way, she's just awesome) told me that after I had left that she had cheated and dropped some blood on a HPT, and it immediately turned positive.

I can't believe she knew at 9 am, and I waited until after work to call them.

Normally they would do another beta, but the husband and I are going out of town tonight (hooray, vacation!) so I can't do one until at least next week. But my dr. thinks that's fine, she seems to think that we don't need to do another one at all since my number was so strong.

So now we wait for April 23. The day we find out if we have one or two babies, and get to hear their hearts beating.

I'm still anxious, though, afraid of losing them.

Of course, the fact that I'm pregnant still hasn't really set in. I just feel so normal.

Is it crazy that I want to go and buy a HPT and take it? I feel a little cheated that I didn't get to see the positive sign like fertile people do!

tomorrow

So I spotted yesterday.

And I cramped last week.

Every single twinge makes me freak out. I spend too much time googling.

I hate this so much.

Right after the transfer I was so relaxed and optimistic. But as the days have passed, I feel the pessimism creeping back in.

I toss and turn at night, convinced I'm not pregnant.

I begin the spiral of self doubt. I guess it really IS my fault that we can't get pregnant, right?

And despite knowing that these babies are in the hands of my heavenly Father, I still feel like I must have done something wrong.

Of course, every now and then, I think about the fact that I really could be pregnant. And ironically, then I start to cry, because I realize how dumb that is, and how there's NO WAY that could be. I chastise myself for high expectations.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

I thought the 2WW after the IUI's was hard, but that was NOTHING compared to this.

The days have never been more angst-ridden and long.

Tomorrow, please hurry!

7 more to go

The transfer went well. I was a 'model patient'. Everything went smoothly and just as planned.

I have two little mini-b's floating around (well, hopefully, ATTACHING) inside me. We're calling them click and clack.

We have the picture and the petri dish to prove their existence.

I don't know if we'll be able to hold them in a few months. But I do know that I love that fact that I get to carry life inside of me, even if this only lasts a few days. Right now, I am their mama.

We ended up with 12 strong embryos all together. 2 transferred, 10 frozen. I was sad to hear that we lost so many of them along the way, but maybe that's one of our issues?

I don't know what's normal- 12 embryos out of 37 eggs? Only 1/3 making it to blastocyst? Is that bad?

Tomorrow- bloodwork.

I'll be glad to have something to DO. And also, to ask if I should be concerned that my normally flat stomach now looks pregnant. I'm only going to be happy about a pregnant tummy if I'm actually pregnant.

7 more days. 7 more days. 7 more days.

unbelievable

So they harvested 37 eggs yesterday. 37 of them.

All night last night I just kept saying it over and over to myself and to my husband. 37 eggs. I never expected that many, it's one of the highest amounts that my clinic has retrieved.

The fabulous embryologist did 19 of them ICSI-- 14 were mature, and 11 fertilized.

The other 18 were left for the sperm to find them on their own. 11 of them fertilized.

We have 22 embryos right now. OH MY WORD.

I can hardly believe it. It's such great news, with so many options for the future.

But of course, I can't help but be scared now. Because it's obviously not a problem of the sperm penetrating the egg, so is our problem with the embryo implanting? That's a problem that is not easily solved.

Today I'm just trying to be excited (and ignoring the pain).

Stats

Yeah...

Stim Day 7, dr said that there were probably about 20 follicles.

Stim Day 9, dr reports that I have 30 follicles. Yes, 30.

Holy Cow, no wonder I feel bloated and sore.


Stim Day 9, nurse says E2 level was "in the 5000's". Yikes.

Stim Day 10, nurse says E2 level is 7500. Yikes again.

Dr. will only be nervous if it's over 10,000...


Trigger shot last night, only half a dose to prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation (Thankyouverymuch).

Retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday.

To say that I am nervous is an understatement.

I just hope since I've got THIRTY eggs, that we'll have some good ones to choose from.

Sheesh. Apparently I'm also an egg-making machine.

change of plans... again

I'm 41 shots in. With umpteen more to go.

For the fourth day in a row, I got blood drawn and estrogen checked. This time both doctors did my scan and consulted.

Apparently I'm 'tricky'. Not exactly the words I want to hear.

So after 4 nights of lowering my follistem... tonight I get to eliminate it. My E2 level is still through the roof.

I'm trying to focus on the positive: one less shot to give.

But it's hard not to notice the negative: they can't get my estrogen under control.

Should I worry? (not that I really have a choice...)