today

On the heels of another IUI, I am overcome with the urge to weep.

Not from sadness, not from frustration, not from loneliness.

Today I am holding back the tears from the overwhelming realization that I have no control. Today I understand the beauty in following Christ.

The glory of the cross is not that life is good or easy or what we want. The beauty of it is that this life is bad and hard and rarely how we want it.

We fall on our knees day after day after day, because we aren't who we want to be, we don't have what we want to have, and we can't see what we want to see.

Sin overwhelms us. Grace redeems us. He looks at me and says "Mine."

Today I have peace because of the One who was, and is, and will be.

reminder

Cynicism looks reality in the face, calls it phony, and prides itself on its insights as it pulls back. Thanksgiving looks reality in the face and rejoices at God's care. It replaces a bitter spirit with a generous one.
--Paul Miller

milestones

My birthday is coming up. Thanksgiving and Christmas are days and weeks away.

This used to be my favorite time of year. But the older I get, the more these times just remind me of what I don't have.

I'm turning 31. And I know there are those who are much older than I am that are still waiting to start their family.

But when I pictured myself at 31, I certainly wasn't still working at this job I hate. And I most definitely had children. In fact, through all these years of infertility, I always had in the back of my mind, that as long as I got pregnant while I was 30, then everything would be okay.

I guess that's just one more dream that I've got to give up.

In this season of thanksgiving, it's hard for me to remember the things I have, when all I can focus on is the things that I hoped I'd have.

One more birthday without being pregnant.

One more Christmas where we don't buy baby gifts.

One more family gathering where I don't get to tell them that we're expecting.

And although these thoughts weigh on me always, the pain is sharper this time of year.

of course not

Pregnant? Of course not. That would be way too easy.

Just because it IS easy for others, doesn't mean it'll be easy for me.

Obviously.

So we'll try again. Third time's a charm, right?

With 8% success, I doubt it.

I'm just trying to be content with this life. This life that the Lord has portioned out for me.

the waiting game

Waiting. Patience. Time.

These words have become a big part of my world lately.

Our first IUI was done a week ago Saturday. Only one follicle, which was disappointing. But at least one good follicle, I guess.

I don't feel any different. If I were pregnant, would I feel different yet?

Guess we'll know in a few days.

I'm just trying to wait patiently for time to pass.

Easier said than done.