milestones

My birthday is coming up. Thanksgiving and Christmas are days and weeks away.

This used to be my favorite time of year. But the older I get, the more these times just remind me of what I don't have.

I'm turning 31. And I know there are those who are much older than I am that are still waiting to start their family.

But when I pictured myself at 31, I certainly wasn't still working at this job I hate. And I most definitely had children. In fact, through all these years of infertility, I always had in the back of my mind, that as long as I got pregnant while I was 30, then everything would be okay.

I guess that's just one more dream that I've got to give up.

In this season of thanksgiving, it's hard for me to remember the things I have, when all I can focus on is the things that I hoped I'd have.

One more birthday without being pregnant.

One more Christmas where we don't buy baby gifts.

One more family gathering where I don't get to tell them that we're expecting.

And although these thoughts weigh on me always, the pain is sharper this time of year.