a good read

Lately I've been feeling sentimental. Mostly because it's a new year and as I look forward I inevitably look back.

And what I've realized is that for a majority of this past year, I was rather depressed. Not depressed enough where I can't function or enjoy any part of life. But just depressed enough to push people away, to end up in a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. Most of this I hid pretty well.

Today I read a very convicting article about depression. I know that the source of my depression is that we haven't started our family yet and time keeps passing. But I also know that there are deeper issues too. Issues that keep me from coping with the grief and the disappointment. And I have a hunch that these feelings of inadequacy won't instantly go away when we do have a child.

So I'm going to post a link here, just to remind myself now and again that I do have hope.

http://ccef.org/hope-depressed

thinking

So, 3 IUI's down, the last one done with progesterone supplements, and still no baby. I'm not surprised. I knew that when husband and I didn't get pregnant almost 4 years ago when we started trying, that this road would be a long one.

Decision time. IVF? Adoption? Who has money for these things?

Today I was reading a blog, and the woman who writes it just found out she was pregnant with her 3rd. She was not expecting it at all. But she recognized that God was teaching her once again that His plan was better than hers.

One girl commented how thankful she was that God's plan was better that what she could have imagined. And I got to thinking how everyone says this when someone gets unexpectedly pregnant, but people rarely say this when you can't get pregnant.

I know it's true both ways. But you know what? At this moment in my life? I am NOT thankful for His plan for my life. It's wrong and sinful and short-sighted, I know. But that's what it is for me right now.

Yes, one day when we have kids, I'll look back and be grateful that I can appreciate them so much, that this journey made me more sensitive and compassionate.

But right now, at this moment, I feel like we'll never have children and it devastates me.

January 11: officially NOT a good day.