thinking

So, 3 IUI's down, the last one done with progesterone supplements, and still no baby. I'm not surprised. I knew that when husband and I didn't get pregnant almost 4 years ago when we started trying, that this road would be a long one.

Decision time. IVF? Adoption? Who has money for these things?

Today I was reading a blog, and the woman who writes it just found out she was pregnant with her 3rd. She was not expecting it at all. But she recognized that God was teaching her once again that His plan was better than hers.

One girl commented how thankful she was that God's plan was better that what she could have imagined. And I got to thinking how everyone says this when someone gets unexpectedly pregnant, but people rarely say this when you can't get pregnant.

I know it's true both ways. But you know what? At this moment in my life? I am NOT thankful for His plan for my life. It's wrong and sinful and short-sighted, I know. But that's what it is for me right now.

Yes, one day when we have kids, I'll look back and be grateful that I can appreciate them so much, that this journey made me more sensitive and compassionate.

But right now, at this moment, I feel like we'll never have children and it devastates me.

January 11: officially NOT a good day.