tired

I'm tired of being poked and prodded.

I'm tired of the hot flashes that clomid brings.

I'm tired of wondering if every little strange sensation is a child growing inside me.

I'm tired of knowing that it probably isn't.

I'm tired of telling my husband, AGAIN, that I'm having a bad day.

I'm tired of looking like I have it all together while on the inside I'm falling apart.

I'm tired of looking normal while know that I'm not.

I'm tired of crying all the time.

I'm tired of people telling me that my time will come.

I'm tired of being asked when we're going to have kids.

I'm tired of being envious of all my friends with children.

I'm tired of not understanding why.

I'm tired of my life.

month 2

After a year of no 'results' with my doctor, and after realizing that this doctor never understood that yes, I actually would like to pregnant sometime this decade, I switched.

And my new doctor is amazing. Encouraging, understanding, on the ball. I learned more from her in one appointment than I did in the year seeing the other.

And so I'm in month 2 of clomid. And I'm 2 months past having an HSG.

I'm pretty sure I'm still not pregnant.

This month was different. They gave me a shot to induce ovulating, there were 2 confirmed eggs that dropped. We timed intercourse perfectly. I got my hopes up more than usual.

But still, I don't feel different. Sunday I'll know for sure what I already fear.

I know my doctor will be compassionate.

Somehow, it's harder with a good doctor. Because now we actually ARE doing everything we can, and still nothing.

I hate this.

the beginning

Inferitility is a bad word. It's a scary word. And it's a word that I rarely (if ever) use in real life. But I struggle with it. Monthly. Weekly. Daily. And some days, Hourly.

Very few people in my real life have any idea that I 'have' it. And I'd like to keep it that way. And so this will always remain anonymous.

I need a place to vent. A place to write all the things that are sucky about this. My husband is wonderful, but I can only say to him, "I'm having a hard day" a certain number of times before I sound like a broken record. Even to myself.

So I will tell you, the wonderful world wide web, of my struggle.

And you won't say anything back. And usually, that's all I really want.