resentment

I have 7 close girlfriends from college. 5 of them live within 30 minutes of me, and getting together with them has always been a pleasure.

But lately I've been dreading us all getting together. I brace myself for questions, I divert conversation away from me, I suffer through endless stories of their children. And when I leave them, I cry all the way home.

I guess I always thought that if there was a major struggle in my life, that I would be able to talk to these friends about it.

But not this. I am the only one without kids, most of them have more than one at this point.

And I hate to say it, but I am really beginning to resent them for it. I'm bitter that I'm the last child-less one. I'm not part of their club. I'm the outsider.

In fact, I'd be happy to not see them very often. Not ever, in fact.

I know that makes me sound awful. I know in my mind that it IS awful. But my heart can't help it. It's too broken.

from Charles Spurgeon

When your faith endures many conflicts and your spirit sinks low, do not condemn yourself. There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great helper to others, you must pass through their trials. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, the unthreshed corn feeds no one, and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are great benefits to come of your trials and depression...

headaches

Headaches are the new hot flashes. I had heard that Femara might do this to me. But it didn't last month so I was naive.

This month? Sheesh. Can't get a day without a pounding head.

Hopefully it's worth it.

Scan on Friday, IUI probably over the weekend. My husband is supposed to go out of town on Sunday, so I sure hope it's not then. Not that there's much controlling these things.

My good days have been more than my bad days lately. I am thankful.

But when my bad days come, they are bad. And they come out of the blue.

Just when I think the (extended) family has given up harassing us about having kids, someone goes and brings it up again. A stab in the heard, quite literally.

I know I could tell them about our struggle, but honestly, I'd rather them be in the dark. It's too personal to me to just leave it all out there for questions and criticisms.

But people? When a couple is in their 30's, when they've been married almost 5 years, and when you know they want kids, don't ask them, okay? Assume it's none of your business.

His will, not mine

I am reminded more and more throughout this journey of mine, that no matter what I do to get myself pregnant, it will only happen within the Lord's will.

"Thy will be done."

I am saddened once again this month. I had 2 beautiful follicles, and all I needed to do was call when I had my LH surge to schedule the IUI.

Unfortunately, my body doesn't like to respond to those tests. So the one day I actually got a little color on the line, I didn't think it was it, because it was lighter than the test line.

And in my own stupidity, I didn't bother calling until the next day, when I was informed that it was now too late.

So what's a girl to do?

I sat and cried and cried and let my husband hold me. Because this time, I felt like it was all my fault. Why am I so stupid? Why can't I read an over-the-counter test that was made for all sorts of idiots? Why didn't I call a friend or the doctor and ask if that dark-ish line was it?

I drove myself crazy with these questions. And I still drive myself crazy with them.

But deep down I know that it wasn't God's will for us this month. And really, what's one more month in the scheme of things?

Actually, one more month is a lot to me. It's one more month of depression and heartbreak and fear.

But it's also one more month to trust in my Savior, to lay my depression and heartbreak and fear at His feet. And to wait for His mercy.