His will, not mine

I am reminded more and more throughout this journey of mine, that no matter what I do to get myself pregnant, it will only happen within the Lord's will.

"Thy will be done."

I am saddened once again this month. I had 2 beautiful follicles, and all I needed to do was call when I had my LH surge to schedule the IUI.

Unfortunately, my body doesn't like to respond to those tests. So the one day I actually got a little color on the line, I didn't think it was it, because it was lighter than the test line.

And in my own stupidity, I didn't bother calling until the next day, when I was informed that it was now too late.

So what's a girl to do?

I sat and cried and cried and let my husband hold me. Because this time, I felt like it was all my fault. Why am I so stupid? Why can't I read an over-the-counter test that was made for all sorts of idiots? Why didn't I call a friend or the doctor and ask if that dark-ish line was it?

I drove myself crazy with these questions. And I still drive myself crazy with them.

But deep down I know that it wasn't God's will for us this month. And really, what's one more month in the scheme of things?

Actually, one more month is a lot to me. It's one more month of depression and heartbreak and fear.

But it's also one more month to trust in my Savior, to lay my depression and heartbreak and fear at His feet. And to wait for His mercy.