double trouble

Well, not trouble, exactly...

Twins!

2 beautiful heartbeats, 123 bpm and 114 bpm. They sounded awfully sweet. Thump, thump, thump, thump.

I spent the first few hours after my appointment thrilled at the prospect. My husband is over the moon, telling complete strangers that he's got 2 babies on the way.

But you know what's creeping in again? FEAR.

Now that I know I have 2 little ones growing within me, I am so anxious about losing one or both. After all, I'm only 6 1/2 weeks. That's a long way from the more hopeful 12 weeks.

Not that I have any reason to think I might miscarry. My doctor even wants to send me back to my regular OB in a couple weeks. But I have more friends that have experienced miscarriage than those who haven't.

Next ultrasound next week, right at 7 weeks. Hubby will be in town for this one, and he's very excited.

I just pray every day (minute) that I can keep these little ones growing!

now what?

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don't feel anything yet.

Well, maybe I have an aversion to some foods, but I'm not moody, I'm not peeing a lot, my breasts feel normal. I just don't feel pregnant.

Not that I would know what it feels like. But I didn't think it would feel like this.

We've told the inner circle that the pregnancy test came back positive. And I've found that some of the inner circle have told some of the outer circle, despite our attempts to keep it private for a little while.

So now I have 3 more days until US # 1. I'm terrified that something will be wrong since I don't feel anything.

I keep googling signs of miscarriages. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help myself. I'm still cramping, with the occasional pang in my lower abdomen. What does it mean??

I think the fact that I wasn't in town to do the normal 2nd blood test is freaking me out. Because they never did measure how much my hcg was going up. So I'm just trusting that I'm still pregnant.

I guess on Friday we'll know.

BFP

I am stunned. I knew, I just KNEW I wasn't pregnant.

And then I finally talked to the nurse at 4:15 (Hello, longest. day. ever.) she sounded really chipper.

And I thought, certainly she would be that cheerful and then give me bad news...

She says, I have been dying to talk to you all day! It's good news! Your beta is 84.7, so strong, you are definitely pregnant.

At that point the husband and I started crying. We both were prepared for bad news. Conditioned to getting it, I guess.

The nurse (my favorite one, by the way, she's just awesome) told me that after I had left that she had cheated and dropped some blood on a HPT, and it immediately turned positive.

I can't believe she knew at 9 am, and I waited until after work to call them.

Normally they would do another beta, but the husband and I are going out of town tonight (hooray, vacation!) so I can't do one until at least next week. But my dr. thinks that's fine, she seems to think that we don't need to do another one at all since my number was so strong.

So now we wait for April 23. The day we find out if we have one or two babies, and get to hear their hearts beating.

I'm still anxious, though, afraid of losing them.

Of course, the fact that I'm pregnant still hasn't really set in. I just feel so normal.

Is it crazy that I want to go and buy a HPT and take it? I feel a little cheated that I didn't get to see the positive sign like fertile people do!

tomorrow

So I spotted yesterday.

And I cramped last week.

Every single twinge makes me freak out. I spend too much time googling.

I hate this so much.

Right after the transfer I was so relaxed and optimistic. But as the days have passed, I feel the pessimism creeping back in.

I toss and turn at night, convinced I'm not pregnant.

I begin the spiral of self doubt. I guess it really IS my fault that we can't get pregnant, right?

And despite knowing that these babies are in the hands of my heavenly Father, I still feel like I must have done something wrong.

Of course, every now and then, I think about the fact that I really could be pregnant. And ironically, then I start to cry, because I realize how dumb that is, and how there's NO WAY that could be. I chastise myself for high expectations.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

I thought the 2WW after the IUI's was hard, but that was NOTHING compared to this.

The days have never been more angst-ridden and long.

Tomorrow, please hurry!