support

God has a sense of humor.

Last week at the doctor, I ran into a girl I went to college with. Who also happened to have dated my husband for a little while.

It was awkward. We both knew what we were doing at the fertility clinic, but we didn't mention it.

And this week? This week we're getting together for coffee. I think it will be good, she has just gone through IVF, and it will be nice to hear a personal experience.

I know it was providential running into them at the clinic, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to talk to someone who's been here.

I just didn't expect it to be her.

4x6

My cyst apparently likes it's home on my left ovary. This was my first time that an actual doctor has performed the scan on me. She remarked how large the cyst was, 4x6 cm. 'No wonder you've been having pain', she says.

Her only concern is if my pain becomes unbearable, it could mean emergency surgery. Great.

But it's not irregular or anything, so she's not concerned about that.

The only problem is having to wait another month to even get my baseline, much less start any fertility treatments.

The past few weeks I've been doing okay emotionally. But today is hard. I think because I got an e-mail about a baby shower. And how we're going to play that game where we all write down advice for the new mother.

As if I have anything to offer. And being the only non-mother of the group, that will be painfully obvious. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out until August 2.

I wonder if anyone would notice?

And also today... fertility treatment is EXPENSIVE. Our cheapest option is still over $1000. Then we have $5K, then we have $13K.

Anyone giving out no-interest loans?

unexplained infertility

That's what she called it. Sperm is fine. I am seemingly fine. But still no baby. Obviously, not everything is fine.

We got a sheet explaining the options for unexplained infertility couples. It showed success rates of each. Apparently, there are not that many options that have good success rates available to us, except IVF.

The other options for the 2 different IUI procedures range from 8-17% success. Is that promising enough for thousands of dollars and months of time? I don't know yet.

When did it become normal for me to throw the terms 'IVF' and 'IUI' around in everyday conversation? I don't think I like it.

I don't know what we'll do. Next week they'll test me to make sure my eggs aren't 'old'. And get a baseline of my follicles.

Before this past year, I always said I'd never do IVF. Now I'm not so sure.

Am I really ready to give up the hope of being pregnant and having a biological child?

I am realizing more and more just how much of a personal decision this fertility stuff is.

And by the way, it totally sucks.

the time has come

My appointment with my doctor this week was very disappointing. Still thin lining. And now, a large cyst on my left ovary.

Clomid and I are apparently not good friends, even at small doses.

So next week we go to a reproductive specialist. My husband will go with me. It'll be the first time that he is there, and I'll be so glad to have him ask the questions this time.

I hadn't wanted him there until now, because then that makes it real. But I guess it IS real.

Every person has a story. And that story molds them and changes them. And I know that God is directing the stories.

Some day down the road I know I'll be thankful for my story. I'll be glad I walked this road. Already I know I am different because of it, and I'm glad for that.

But I just didn't ever want this to be my story. And truth be told, I still don't.

a tear-jerker of a poem

I have longed and waited.I have cried and prayed.I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep,explore,and discover.I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.I have prevailed.I have succeeded.I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

the good and the bad

Last Tuesday was a rotten day. I went out with my 2 best friends, one of whom is pregnant with her first, the other has two already. I choked back tears all night, trying to propel the conversation away from babies. But honestly, when a girl is pregnant with her first, there is pretty much nothing else that she can talk about.

I hope that one day if I'm pregnant I'm not like that.

Last Wednesday was a great day. I went out with 3 friends from way back, but whom I hardly ever see. One of them has 2 adopted children after years of infertility. The other 2 have no kids. The mom of the group just kept telling us how time and money is no longer hers- all her energy goes to her kids first, and that sometimes it's hard not to resent it.

It was awesome for once to hear that perhaps being a mother is hard too... I tend to focus on it as some wonderful thing that will change my life (and that is true). But it is also a stressful thing that will change my life.

I came away with an appreciation for my time with my husband, and time to do projects around the house, and time to sleep in. I guess I need to enjoy it while I can.

I started my period on Friday, and this month I hadn't even hoped to be pregnant because of the lining issue. So when it came, it wasn't too distressing.

To be honest, I did break down a little today at a poem I read. But the good news is that I haven't cried in a week. That's about 7 times longer than usual.

decisions

I went to the doctor again 2 weeks ago. And she said "things are not going how I expected them to go". Which, obviously, wasn't all that encouraging.

Apparently my lining is too thin for an egg to implant. Great. She hopes it has to do with Clomid. Sometimes Clomid thins it. So now we do a smaller dosage and see if I still ovulate... Which means another month of trial and error and ultrasound and hcg.

I mentioned going to the fertililty center, she seemed to think that wasn't really necessary at this point, that we WILL get pregnant. We just need to work everything out. Unfortunately, that takes time. And I kinda wanted to be pregnant, you know, 3 years ago.

But I guess that's neither here nor there. We are where we are.

And God promises to be Good and Faithful through it all.

If only I could translate that from my head to my heart. Because honestly? I'm discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm heartbroken. I'm in pain.

But at the same time, I know I need to believe His truth. I need to remember that my life isn't about ME. It's about HIM. His plan will bring Him glory. And honestly, who am I that I shouldn't suffer?