My 22 week belly

confessions

I swore I wouldn't complain about being pregnant. After almost 4 years of trying and our 'last resort' of IVF, I just so desperately wanted to carry my child that I swore I wouldn't complain about the discomfort.

But then it was twins. (And I hope it goes without saying that I'm THRILLED that it is). And the whole being-pregnant-with-twins sure does change the pregnancy game.

I never complained about morning sickness. I was still so afraid that something would happen to my little guys that I was just happy to have a symptom, even a bad case of never-ending morning sickness.

Then the back pain hit. And I mean tear-enducing upper back pain like I've never experienced before. And we're nearing week 8 of the pain, with no end in sight. I'm trying to have a good attitude about it, I know it's all worth it in the end. But oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to take some ibuprofen!

But actually the thing that really surprises me about this pregnancy is how incredibly concerned I am about my weight. I didn't exercise much in the months before we got pregnant, mostly because I was so depressed. And so then my dr advise me not to do too much since my body wasn't used to it.

And honestly, I was pretty thin before. I never had to watch what I ate to keep my figure. And I guess I realize now that I was pretty vain about it. I don't mind the belly bulge. But for whatever reason, my body has decided to pack the pounds on in my thighs and butt and love handles too.

I HATE it. And I worry about it constantly. And I feel like such a hypocrite being concerned about my body changing when I invested so much to get here!

I know lots of women gain weight in areas other than their stomachs, but I really thought I'd be one of the lucky ones who still looked thin except for the belly. It has been quite a strange dose of reality for me.

All I can do is continue to do my yoga and eat healthy things. And I guess if I need the weight in my hips, then I guess that's where it'll go. It's just so hard not to compare myself to my other pregnant friends.

I will say this, though. I will NEVER complain about my babies kicking me. They are very active little boys and remind me of their presence all day long. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

halfway there!

I can't believe I get to say that.

I can't believe that I had my 19 week ultrasound on Wed.

I can't believe that we're having 2 boys! (testosterone, here I come...)

I can't believe how big my belly already is.

I can't believe that strangers are already telling me that I must be close to my due date.

I can't believe we're shopping for cribs this weekend.

I can't believe that I'm finally accepting the idea that I'm going to be a mama.

I can't believe how unbelievably blessed I am to be able to be pregnant.

I can't believe this is my life right now.

But oh, I'm glad it is!

time marches on

16 weeks and counting now.

I had an ultrasound at 15 weeks, and all looks good. The Dr. couldn't tell yet what we were having, so we have to wait until the next appointment, in FOUR WEEKS. Oh, how will I ever last that long until I can lay my eyes on my little ones again??

My belly has really popped in the last week. No more hiding it these days. Which is actually kinda tricky since we haven't told anyone at church yet. I don't know why we keep putting it off. I'm still afraid to have to follow it up with bad news, I guess.

I thought my co-workers didn't know (only my fabulous boss) but I'm pretty sure that word has gotten around about my ever expanding belly. At least, I hope they don't all just think I just got fat. Hah.

Okay, so here's what I want to know: As an Infertile, when will the fun part of pregnancy ever kick in? I mean, I'm as excited as I can be at this point. I know that my wide midsection is a sign that these babies are truly in there, but the nervousness is still there.

And you know what else? Guilt.

I never expected this emotion. But I have it. I feel guilty that some people still aren't pregnant. And I feel guilty because maybe I'm not supposed to be either.

Silly, I know. God created these babies, no matter how they were conceived. He had His hand on them from the moment of conception and I am meant to be their mother.

But still...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks.

I wonder if it's normal that I still feel infertile? I mean, I'm pregnant. I'm finally (hopefully) going to have 2 sweet babies to hold in a few months.

And yet, I still feel infertile. I don't feel like I think my friends felt when they were pregnant- full of hope and excitement. I still feel broken, like there's something wrong with me.

I wonder if I'll always feel that way?

I guess maybe I'm glad that I do. This infertility is a big part of my story now. I've grown and changed so much because of it, that forgetting it would be impossible.

And I never want to forget how grateful I am for the miracle of life. Because for me, it truly is a miracle.

Graduation

Last week at our 7 week appointment with the RE, she gave me a hug and handed me a package that read, 'Graduate' on it.

So strange. I never dreamed we'd be successful with IVF the first time around, and that things would go so (mostly) smoothly that they would release me at 7 weeks!

The best part of the day (of course) was getting to hear my babies' heartbeats again, this time with my husband holding my hand. Baby A at 144 bpm, Baby B at 150 bpm.

One of the hardest things about leaving the RE is that I have come to know them all so well, and also I love the comfort of knowing I can pick up the phone and immediately talk to my nurse about any concerns. So I've been afraid of heading back to the BIG OB practice.

But an amazing thing happened- the day my doctor got my file back from the RE, she picked up the phone and personally called me to congratulate me, and to say she is looking forward to seeing me again. Well, all I have to say is that had to have been God, easing my fears, giving me peace about this next step.

Last night was my last PIO shot. My rear is THRILLED at the prospect, because Holy Cow, I have no more real estate left without bruises or knots.

So now I'm on Crinone gel. Which I gotta say, is more expensive, rather gross, but a whole lot less painful!

double trouble

Well, not trouble, exactly...

Twins!

2 beautiful heartbeats, 123 bpm and 114 bpm. They sounded awfully sweet. Thump, thump, thump, thump.

I spent the first few hours after my appointment thrilled at the prospect. My husband is over the moon, telling complete strangers that he's got 2 babies on the way.

But you know what's creeping in again? FEAR.

Now that I know I have 2 little ones growing within me, I am so anxious about losing one or both. After all, I'm only 6 1/2 weeks. That's a long way from the more hopeful 12 weeks.

Not that I have any reason to think I might miscarry. My doctor even wants to send me back to my regular OB in a couple weeks. But I have more friends that have experienced miscarriage than those who haven't.

Next ultrasound next week, right at 7 weeks. Hubby will be in town for this one, and he's very excited.

I just pray every day (minute) that I can keep these little ones growing!

now what?

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don't feel anything yet.

Well, maybe I have an aversion to some foods, but I'm not moody, I'm not peeing a lot, my breasts feel normal. I just don't feel pregnant.

Not that I would know what it feels like. But I didn't think it would feel like this.

We've told the inner circle that the pregnancy test came back positive. And I've found that some of the inner circle have told some of the outer circle, despite our attempts to keep it private for a little while.

So now I have 3 more days until US # 1. I'm terrified that something will be wrong since I don't feel anything.

I keep googling signs of miscarriages. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help myself. I'm still cramping, with the occasional pang in my lower abdomen. What does it mean??

I think the fact that I wasn't in town to do the normal 2nd blood test is freaking me out. Because they never did measure how much my hcg was going up. So I'm just trusting that I'm still pregnant.

I guess on Friday we'll know.

BFP

I am stunned. I knew, I just KNEW I wasn't pregnant.

And then I finally talked to the nurse at 4:15 (Hello, longest. day. ever.) she sounded really chipper.

And I thought, certainly she would be that cheerful and then give me bad news...

She says, I have been dying to talk to you all day! It's good news! Your beta is 84.7, so strong, you are definitely pregnant.

At that point the husband and I started crying. We both were prepared for bad news. Conditioned to getting it, I guess.

The nurse (my favorite one, by the way, she's just awesome) told me that after I had left that she had cheated and dropped some blood on a HPT, and it immediately turned positive.

I can't believe she knew at 9 am, and I waited until after work to call them.

Normally they would do another beta, but the husband and I are going out of town tonight (hooray, vacation!) so I can't do one until at least next week. But my dr. thinks that's fine, she seems to think that we don't need to do another one at all since my number was so strong.

So now we wait for April 23. The day we find out if we have one or two babies, and get to hear their hearts beating.

I'm still anxious, though, afraid of losing them.

Of course, the fact that I'm pregnant still hasn't really set in. I just feel so normal.

Is it crazy that I want to go and buy a HPT and take it? I feel a little cheated that I didn't get to see the positive sign like fertile people do!

tomorrow

So I spotted yesterday.

And I cramped last week.

Every single twinge makes me freak out. I spend too much time googling.

I hate this so much.

Right after the transfer I was so relaxed and optimistic. But as the days have passed, I feel the pessimism creeping back in.

I toss and turn at night, convinced I'm not pregnant.

I begin the spiral of self doubt. I guess it really IS my fault that we can't get pregnant, right?

And despite knowing that these babies are in the hands of my heavenly Father, I still feel like I must have done something wrong.

Of course, every now and then, I think about the fact that I really could be pregnant. And ironically, then I start to cry, because I realize how dumb that is, and how there's NO WAY that could be. I chastise myself for high expectations.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

I thought the 2WW after the IUI's was hard, but that was NOTHING compared to this.

The days have never been more angst-ridden and long.

Tomorrow, please hurry!

7 more to go

The transfer went well. I was a 'model patient'. Everything went smoothly and just as planned.

I have two little mini-b's floating around (well, hopefully, ATTACHING) inside me. We're calling them click and clack.

We have the picture and the petri dish to prove their existence.

I don't know if we'll be able to hold them in a few months. But I do know that I love that fact that I get to carry life inside of me, even if this only lasts a few days. Right now, I am their mama.

We ended up with 12 strong embryos all together. 2 transferred, 10 frozen. I was sad to hear that we lost so many of them along the way, but maybe that's one of our issues?

I don't know what's normal- 12 embryos out of 37 eggs? Only 1/3 making it to blastocyst? Is that bad?

Tomorrow- bloodwork.

I'll be glad to have something to DO. And also, to ask if I should be concerned that my normally flat stomach now looks pregnant. I'm only going to be happy about a pregnant tummy if I'm actually pregnant.

7 more days. 7 more days. 7 more days.

unbelievable

So they harvested 37 eggs yesterday. 37 of them.

All night last night I just kept saying it over and over to myself and to my husband. 37 eggs. I never expected that many, it's one of the highest amounts that my clinic has retrieved.

The fabulous embryologist did 19 of them ICSI-- 14 were mature, and 11 fertilized.

The other 18 were left for the sperm to find them on their own. 11 of them fertilized.

We have 22 embryos right now. OH MY WORD.

I can hardly believe it. It's such great news, with so many options for the future.

But of course, I can't help but be scared now. Because it's obviously not a problem of the sperm penetrating the egg, so is our problem with the embryo implanting? That's a problem that is not easily solved.

Today I'm just trying to be excited (and ignoring the pain).

Stats

Yeah...

Stim Day 7, dr said that there were probably about 20 follicles.

Stim Day 9, dr reports that I have 30 follicles. Yes, 30.

Holy Cow, no wonder I feel bloated and sore.


Stim Day 9, nurse says E2 level was "in the 5000's". Yikes.

Stim Day 10, nurse says E2 level is 7500. Yikes again.

Dr. will only be nervous if it's over 10,000...


Trigger shot last night, only half a dose to prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation (Thankyouverymuch).

Retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday.

To say that I am nervous is an understatement.

I just hope since I've got THIRTY eggs, that we'll have some good ones to choose from.

Sheesh. Apparently I'm also an egg-making machine.

change of plans... again

I'm 41 shots in. With umpteen more to go.

For the fourth day in a row, I got blood drawn and estrogen checked. This time both doctors did my scan and consulted.

Apparently I'm 'tricky'. Not exactly the words I want to hear.

So after 4 nights of lowering my follistem... tonight I get to eliminate it. My E2 level is still through the roof.

I'm trying to focus on the positive: one less shot to give.

But it's hard not to notice the negative: they can't get my estrogen under control.

Should I worry? (not that I really have a choice...)

spurgeon

He writes:

“Prayer is the forerunner of mercy…Prayer is thus connected with the blessing to show us the value of it. If we had the blessings without asking for them, we should think them common things; but prayer makes our mercies more precious than diamonds. The things we ask for are precious but we do not realize their preciousness until we have sought for them earnestly.”

Oh no, a child would not be a common thing at all!

I'm an estrogen producing machine

After my blood draw yesterday, the nurse called to tell me that I was 3 times normal for my E2.

Well, of course I was. Seems to be my style.

Google scared me with all the information about bad complications and cancelled cycles because of high E2 levels.

Thankfully my fabulous doctor did an ultrasound this morning and said that all was well. Lots of follicles, all similar size, right where they needed to be. I just make a LOT of estrogen.

I hope that they'll keep my Follistem dose lower. I sure do love injecting less drugs. Especially expensive ones.

finally

They wanted me below 50. It went from 88 on my originally planned start date, to 106, to 107, to 83, then finally to 66. The doctors consulted and I was cleared. A miracle.

I have to say, when the nurse called, I thought for SURE that she was going to tell me to stay on the Lupron for a few more weeks and we would start the Stim in April. I was stunned when she said we could go ahead and start.

I know a few weeks doesn't matter much, but since my husband travels so much, he would have had to juggle more trips. And he had already cleared 2 weeks in March for all of this.

So here I am on Stim Day 4. I can already say that I hate Menopur. The bruises are wide and painful.

Here's hoping they're worth it.

the ups and downs

I am now 13 days in of shots. It hasn't been to bad so far, and I'm thankful.

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday, and my Dr. was very pleased with what she saw. She's always so encouraging that this will be successful for us. I was feeling really excited about it all last night.

But then the nurse called just now to let me know that my E2 level was high. You know, they want it below 50, and mine was at 88. Of course.

So more bloodwork on Friday morning.

Friday night I'm supposed to start my stimulation. I have a hunch that if my E2 level is still to high on Friday, then she'll cancel IVF for this month.

I wouldn't be surprised it if were, either. Because for whatever reason, my body seems to REALLY respond well to hormones.

I'm trying to be too discouraged until I know something on Friday. But the way things go for me, I'd be incredibly surprised if it were okay.

Maybe I can handle it this time?

ouch

Had the HSG today. No not the fallopian tube one. We did that one a year ago.

No, this was the uterus one, with the catheter and balloon and saline. Is it called the same thing? I don't really remember. It was another one of those 3-letter tests.

OH MY WORD it hurt so bad.

I was laying there sweating, shaking, tearing up at the pain. And all I could think was maybe we need to re-think this. Cause how will I ever handle childbirth if I can't handle this?

But then I remembered. You can get drugs for that.

The good news is that I'm all clear. No visible problems for implantation of a little embryo.

Onward and upward we go.

And tonight I inject myself for the first time. Ugh.

step 1

The drugs arrived today. When we had our training consultation last week, I found out just the fun that I was in for, with all the drugs and shots and hormones and things. It was kind of overwhelming. But sitting there, talking to the nurse about everything wasn't all that scary.

Then I opened up my package and saw all the needles that I'll be using and my heart skipped a beat.

I can't believe what I'm going to do to myself. Neither can my husband.

He gets off way too easy, if you ask me. One measly bottle of antibiotics. Sheesh.

IVF, here we come.

Infertility is a journey. And yet what I didn't realize is that it's a journey that has more than one starting point. We start over and over and over again. Maybe one day we'll get to the destination?


Beginning 1 -- 2006, off birth control, we try to start a family, albeit not very intentionally. pick out baby names, plan ways to tell the family.

Beginning 2 -- 2007, we try ovulation sticks, more intentional about it, but no worries, we're still young, we just need a little more precision.

Beginning 3 -- early 2008, talk to doctor, begin hormone treatments, nothing. the worrying begins. so do the 'what-ifs'.

Beginning 4 -- late 2008, semen analysis, antibiotics. hooray, fixed problem! except, not so much. the anger creeps in.

Beginning 5 -- early 2009, new fabulous doctor, HSG, more semen analysis, more hormone treatments, yeah- this'll work- she understands my urgency. the depression begins.

Beginning 6 -- mid 2009, new fabulous doctor refers us to fertility specialist, have hope of a plan, 3 cycles of IUI, and I love that this solution is relatively natural- but nothing takes. discouragement at an all-time high, coping mechanisms completely exhausted.

Beginning 7 -- now, 2010, IVF. we are great candidates, she says. she really thinks it'll work.

Am I a fool to believe it?

questioning

Here's what I want to know: Why does God answer every one else's prayers? Why does it feel like mine come back void?

I know we are told to approach the throne with confidence, and lately, I haven't been. Because you know what? He hasn't been answering my prayers before now, so why would He start now? I have almost resigned myself to the idea that there are no children in my future.

A friend in infertility wrote to me today. She said that she had been praying that she would be able to put a positive pregnancy test into her husband's stocking at Christmas. And guess what? She did.

Well I was praying that I would be pregnant by my 31st birthday. I've been praying that for YEARS. And of course. I wasn't.

Her prayers were heard and answered. Mine were not.

Today is a bad day. I feel abondoned, desperate, depressed.

a good read

Lately I've been feeling sentimental. Mostly because it's a new year and as I look forward I inevitably look back.

And what I've realized is that for a majority of this past year, I was rather depressed. Not depressed enough where I can't function or enjoy any part of life. But just depressed enough to push people away, to end up in a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. Most of this I hid pretty well.

Today I read a very convicting article about depression. I know that the source of my depression is that we haven't started our family yet and time keeps passing. But I also know that there are deeper issues too. Issues that keep me from coping with the grief and the disappointment. And I have a hunch that these feelings of inadequacy won't instantly go away when we do have a child.

So I'm going to post a link here, just to remind myself now and again that I do have hope.

http://ccef.org/hope-depressed

thinking

So, 3 IUI's down, the last one done with progesterone supplements, and still no baby. I'm not surprised. I knew that when husband and I didn't get pregnant almost 4 years ago when we started trying, that this road would be a long one.

Decision time. IVF? Adoption? Who has money for these things?

Today I was reading a blog, and the woman who writes it just found out she was pregnant with her 3rd. She was not expecting it at all. But she recognized that God was teaching her once again that His plan was better than hers.

One girl commented how thankful she was that God's plan was better that what she could have imagined. And I got to thinking how everyone says this when someone gets unexpectedly pregnant, but people rarely say this when you can't get pregnant.

I know it's true both ways. But you know what? At this moment in my life? I am NOT thankful for His plan for my life. It's wrong and sinful and short-sighted, I know. But that's what it is for me right now.

Yes, one day when we have kids, I'll look back and be grateful that I can appreciate them so much, that this journey made me more sensitive and compassionate.

But right now, at this moment, I feel like we'll never have children and it devastates me.

January 11: officially NOT a good day.